I started working again. To the day. Ok, that's not actually true. It's been a year since I am working continuously. Before that, had two false starts and two jobs where I worked for 4 months and 2 months respectively before quitting. But anyway, I have successfully crossed the 1 year milestone today and have nothing but sheer gratitude towards God above for helping me through this. And prayers..for him to help me through the years ahead..hopefully.
See, the thing is, I am a very confused person. When I was growing up and while I was in college, I always wanted to have a career. Then came marriage and then a job and I was floundering along quite helplessly with a home and a job. Add to that a boss straight from hell and I vowed to myself that I will end it all the minute I had myself a baby.
The baby came and I quit my job of 3 years quite happily without a second thought or a backward glance. And settled down to be a happy housewife with a gurgling, chubby child like the ones they show in ads. Neither happened. My attempts at being a housewife were hopeless. My attempts at making my son chubby are something I have already written about here.
Anyway both were disasters. I was edgy and discontent and launched myself on hubby with a ferocity that never failed to stun the poor man, no matter how prepared he was, as soon as he came back from work everyday. Those were the days I realised how impossibly difficult it is to be a housewife and how incredibly great amma was for being such a great one. My respect for SAHMs has gone up tremendously since then.
When kuttan was barely 10 months old, I decided to get back to work and recklessly plunged headlong without thinking of whether I was ready to leave kuttan in a day care or with a maid for a whole day. The result? 4 months of eating amma's and MIL's head into staying with us and quit my job the minute they left because I just COULD'NT bear to leave kuttan in a daycare.
After another couple of false start such as this, I am finally here today. When I look back at those years today, I know I should have done things differently. Oh, but how easy it is to be wise in hindsight! I should have just stayed put at home for the first 2 years of kuttan's life and then ventured to look for a job. That would have given our family(meaning Hubby's parents and mine) and Hubby a lot of peace and happiness. And me, a lot more hair on my head.
But still, I am here now and I cannot help feeling pleased with myself. I am finally doing what I want to do. I am working and I am managing a house and a child. Never mind the fact that I do do it with complete and unashamed dependence on my maid(s). Never mind that hubby pitches in almost(and at times more) as much as me in running the house. Never mind all the times I cry to amma for help and she drops everything and rushes to help me. Never mind that every 2 days my favorite refrain seems to be 'I am going to quit my job.' as though that is the root of all evils. I have made it through an entire year.!!And am touching wood right now and hoping that I will bumble my way thorugh many, many more!!
Postscript: Does anyone read this at all? A few days back, I used to at least get at least like 2 comments or so and its been a long time now since I got any. In need of some serious encouragement people!! Delurkers, if any, please leave a note!
8 comments:
hello......
there is one who reads ur posts...and i wait for them eagerly too....
i think u shud get a blog watch or some such thing.it tells u how many ppl are reading ur posts and where all they come from!
oh, btw, i am single and unmarried...and u always scare me from marriage :-)
--raghuram
Hi,
I am new to reading blogs and happened to come across yours....
I really like your honesty and straight-from-the-heart kind of writing..
Keep up the good work...
btw,i am a single girl who is busy with her career and my parents are on the groom hunt for me!!ur blog has given me a realistic insight into the life of a career woman managing a family and a kid...:)
Sri
Sri and other wannanbe brides and bridegrooms.....this is a fun place
marriagemarket.blogspot.com/
Hi,
I am visiting here the first time. hopped from noon's blog.
Good that you started working. Even I am working and thinking whether to put Aryan in day care or not. You write very well....
Aryan's Mom
Got here from Noon's... I have been through this same trauma.. I worked till my son turned 1 and then quit.. my son is now 3, and I am wondering if I should go back to work.. or will the madness start yet again...
nice post.
Having been going through most of your entries. They are quite interesting and reveal the travails of a working mom barring any holds.
My kids are quite grown-up now, (9 and 5), and I'm not as anxious as I was when they were toddlers. All the same, I went through the same dilemma as you, when I decided to take up a full time job.
After marriage, my hubby was a businessman, I had to eat humble pie and tag with him to his hometown from my beloved metropolis. After spending 5 years in silence, martyrdom and self-effacement, I made a daring move. In order to resolve marital issues and restart my career, I moved over to my home city banking on my mom to help me. My elder daughter was just a year old then. Life dealt me a nasty blow as my mom passed away (within 3 months) when I was just settling down with a good job and I was left in the lurch.
Things came to turn that I had to stick to the job for my survival and I had to put my daughter in a day-care center. It was such a nasty experience. But, as I mentioned earlier, it was a life or death situation for me as my marriage was heading towards the rocks. And I had no other choice.
However, in the course of time, my financial, emotional and marital situation improved slightly and my second daughter came along. But I didn't have the luxury of sitting idle at home. I took a break for less than a year before I went back to my work. I again had to depend on the daycare center. I left my second kid in the daycare when she was just 14 months old.
But now, my two daughters are slightly older. They have learnt a lot in the daycare. They have learnt to take care of themselves and be responsible. They know when they to charge and when to retreat; swell in pride over their achievemenst or nurse their wounded egos and bodies in solitude. They have made lots of friends there and engage themselves in healthy (sometimes unhealthy) activities.
The travails that I endured when they were younger is just a bad memory now. Hubby has also learnt his lessons (life teaches lessons the hard way) and is now one of my greatest helps. :-)
My motto that has helped me through the worst phases of life - Take each day as it comes.
Happy working and happy mothering!
Hi,
I have been reading your posts and got here from "Domain Maximus".
I'm in the same boat as you. Juggling between family and work. I have a 1 year old son. He is my best stress-buster - there is no tension that doesn't vanish after playing with him for 30 min or so. I enjoy every moment spent with him and always wish I could have more time with him before he grows up.
Regards,
Sarah
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