I started working again. To the day. Ok, that's not actually true. It's been a year since I am working continuously. Before that, had two false starts and two jobs where I worked for 4 months and 2 months respectively before quitting. But anyway, I have successfully crossed the 1 year milestone today and have nothing but sheer gratitude towards God above for helping me through this. And prayers..for him to help me through the years ahead..hopefully.
See, the thing is, I am a very confused person. When I was growing up and while I was in college, I always wanted to have a career. Then came marriage and then a job and I was floundering along quite helplessly with a home and a job. Add to that a boss straight from hell and I vowed to myself that I will end it all the minute I had myself a baby.
The baby came and I quit my job of 3 years quite happily without a second thought or a backward glance. And settled down to be a happy housewife with a gurgling, chubby child like the ones they show in ads. Neither happened. My attempts at being a housewife were hopeless. My attempts at making my son chubby are something I have already written about here.
Anyway both were disasters. I was edgy and discontent and launched myself on hubby with a ferocity that never failed to stun the poor man, no matter how prepared he was, as soon as he came back from work everyday. Those were the days I realised how impossibly difficult it is to be a housewife and how incredibly great amma was for being such a great one. My respect for SAHMs has gone up tremendously since then.
When kuttan was barely 10 months old, I decided to get back to work and recklessly plunged headlong without thinking of whether I was ready to leave kuttan in a day care or with a maid for a whole day. The result? 4 months of eating amma's and MIL's head into staying with us and quit my job the minute they left because I just COULD'NT bear to leave kuttan in a daycare.
After another couple of false start such as this, I am finally here today. When I look back at those years today, I know I should have done things differently. Oh, but how easy it is to be wise in hindsight! I should have just stayed put at home for the first 2 years of kuttan's life and then ventured to look for a job. That would have given our family(meaning Hubby's parents and mine) and Hubby a lot of peace and happiness. And me, a lot more hair on my head.
But still, I am here now and I cannot help feeling pleased with myself. I am finally doing what I want to do. I am working and I am managing a house and a child. Never mind the fact that I do do it with complete and unashamed dependence on my maid(s). Never mind that hubby pitches in almost(and at times more) as much as me in running the house. Never mind all the times I cry to amma for help and she drops everything and rushes to help me. Never mind that every 2 days my favorite refrain seems to be 'I am going to quit my job.' as though that is the root of all evils. I have made it through an entire year.!!And am touching wood right now and hoping that I will bumble my way thorugh many, many more!!
Postscript: Does anyone read this at all? A few days back, I used to at least get at least like 2 comments or so and its been a long time now since I got any. In need of some serious encouragement people!! Delurkers, if any, please leave a note!