Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Torn!

I am tired. The last 2 weeks have been crazy. In many, many ways and on many, many levels. Kuttan came back from Coimbatore after a two week vacation with his Sachumma and Gopa thatha. He has had his annual vacation while I am still waiting for mine. Before kuttan went away, I had resolved to finish a lot of things that are pending on the work front. With him safely away at grandma's place, I could afford to stay back as late as possible in the office.

But in the 2 weeks that he was actually in Cbe, I had absolutely NO work. I spent the whole day reading blogs and surfing the net and watching the clock to see when I could get out of the darned office. Only to go home and find hubby vacantly staring at the TV. I would plonk next to him and start doing the same thing myself.

Then, the day after kuttan arrived, all hell broke loose. Everything that could go wrong at work did and we were suddenly transformed from being compeletely jobless to being BURIED under mountains of work. Amma was here for 3 days before she left to go back to Cbe. I spent maybe an hour with her on all 3 days put together. And felt abjectly miserable when she left.

Weekend came and brought no respite with it as hubby had to go away to his MBA classes. And then, amidst all the chaos, yesterday, I decided to take the afternoon off from work and go to a dear friend's housewarming ceremony. I took kuttan along in the afternoon and came back home after the function. As kuttan and I snuggled, I felt so much at peace with the world in general.

All the frenzy and stress and drama seemed a long, long way off. Like they belonged to a different world. Then, after almost a year and a half, I wished I could stay at home and be there for my son always. Be there for him when he comes back from school and feed him lunch. Be there to snuggle him as he takes his afternoon nap instead of allowing him to go off for his nap in his daycare on a small little cot with 30 other children. I know that some of the kids talk sometimes and when they do, the teachers there warn them and tell them not to talk. But my kuttan is such a light sleeper that even such a small exchange is bound to wake him up and he comes home in the evening, looking tired and cranky.

I wish I did not have to go around asking 3 different people in his daycare about the food he ate through the day and whether he pooped or pissed. Should'nt I be the one who knows these things better than anyone else? I wish I could spend lazy mornings with him without worrying about work or having to check the email.

The problem is that as far as jobs go, mine is not bad at all. My boss is friendly and understanding and allows me to work from home in emergencies. The hours are decent and the pay is good. And God knows we need the money. I have worked very, very hard to get to this stage and it has not been easy.

But, as I said, I am tired. Tired of juggling many different roles. Tired of all the expectations from all quarters. Tired of the constant feeling of guilt weighing me down. Tired of my own ambitions even. And there are days when I just want to ask the whole world to go to hell and just play the one role that is closest to my heart - that of being my son's mother. One of these days, I just might do that. Till then, the great juggling act continues.

11 comments:

Mama - Mia said...

awwwww!!

big hugs to you BM!

i wish i knew how to make you feel better! hopefully that lunch with JLT helped!

dontcha worry girl! you will do just fine! and so will Kuttan! lot of women have lot less flexibility and lot more need!

we are still l'il more blessed! i dunno maybe its because my mom has always worked or whatever, i feel Cubby will do just fine and guilt oangs dont come at me too often! touchwood!

and am sure one day soon you will be in position to choose and be comfy at home and snuggle loads!! :)

till then hang in there!

cheers!

abha

Mama - Mia said...

ps: maybe this lighthearted tag will be fun!

you been tagged! :)

Mystic Margarita said...

Awwww...hugs. I know the feeling and boy, it leaves you drained! Bean meaning to drop by for a while now, finally here! :)

WhatsInAName said...

Bmom.
After hearing about you from JLT, landed in here and what do I find! A sad, tired you.
Cheer up. Its a phase and most of us have been through it. I could almost recollect the same sorts of dilemmas swarming my head few years back, tearing me apart. But its all part and parcel of being a woman.
I am sure this will pass to. So smile and live each day at a time:)

noon said...

BM - I feel for you. I guess now that hubby is in an MBA there is no way you can quit? Hope you can at some point - hell as it is to not work the feeling that the best and beautiful years of their lives you are with them completely caring for them makes you feel good you know...I feel so bad - one thing if you are sure you want to only work. But if you want to quit for a short while and don't have that choice, makes me feel bad...

Just Like That said...

Awwww, BMom. I hear ya. loud and clear. :-(
But what to do, the juggling has to go on, like you said. thing is -when you have a break from that juggling, its so difficult to get back into that flow... and yet, when you go on and on.. everything seems to be a blur, most importantly the reason you are into this juggling act.Hugs, and lets hope God shows us a way out soon.. :-)
Well, Mama mia,the lunch did lift our spirits a bit, but then, I too had the same issues and concerns. And then, I bought 2 Picnics for US and forgot to give it to HER :-D
BMom, I didn't like it much, a little TOOO peanutty for my liking.

Poppins said...

Wish I had some great words of wisdom to share. I've been there and I know how it goes.

Part time option work for you at all? Or atleast working from home some of the time? I feel that if you could just be around Kuttan a lot more, it would be easier on you, emotionally.

Try talking to your boss about it, now that you've proved your "worth" at the office, he might be willing to discuss the various options that you have. Believe me, there will be options, you need to ask hard enough.

And listen, I ask at school if she ate her food, I call and ask my mom when she napped and for how long. As long as you find daily opportunities to bond with him (like your wonderful Saturday), and you know what makes him tick, how does it matter if you don't know how many times he peed/pooped? Seriously. Don't let this guilt snowball.

My mom used to work (and she was a single mom!) and I've always felt incredibly close to her. The quality of time spent matters too, big time.

Anonymous said...

Hi BM

I've been reading your posts for a few months now. I am also a working mom in Bangalore and hence identify with all those things you write.
At times I had felt I am little different because I enjoy lesser freedon and family support than you
(from what you describe in your posts). I was even turning J after reading about your lunch and kodak moments post. I am sure missing those things.
But when I read this 'TORN' , I realised however cheerful and sportive you look, the mother inside you is still guilty,tired and confused.
Please dont feel bad. Everything is alright now and will be alright in future too..
My kid is younger than yours. And everytime I read your blog, I feel reassured. Its good to know that someone has already gone through whatever I am facing now and emerged victoriously.I am sure there are many others like me.
So keep writing those beautiful blogs.
Cheer up
KR

BangaloreMom said...

Mama Mia : Thanks. You know, I do believe that it makes a big difference when ur own mom was working. At least then you know that things are going to be ok. As a first-generation working mom, I guess I have to fight the demons. Will get around to your tag soon. :)

Mystic Margharita: Welcome. Hope to see you come by more often ;)

Whatsinaname: Thanks for coming. And thanks for your kind words. It definitely shall pass, as you can already see from my new post :D

Noon: Thanks, hon. And no, I dont think I can quit for the next 2 years at the very least.

JLT: Met. Talked. Cribbed. You no where im coming from. 'Nuff said.

Poppins: Thanks Poppy. That did make me feel better. It shudnt matter how much he pooped or peed, does it now? :D. Regarding the flexible work options, well, it cant really get much better than this. I come in at 9 and get out by 5.30 max. I cant work from home continously because of a client network issue. But the boss is good and I thank my lucky stars for that. And yes, listening to you as the child of a working mom definitely helps me get a perspective.

KR: Welcome and thanks for coming. And yes, I try to remain cheerful and optimistic most of the time but then there are days! And am glad I am able to provide you an idea of what is in store for you. ;). Keep coming!

Collection Of Stars said...

Awww...B'lore mom, I can understand you completely. I have been going through the same kind of feelings for a long time now.
Hope things get better for you :)

Krishnapriyacr said...

Hi B'lore mom..I know just how you feel. Though, I was quite clear that if I don't get enough time with my kids, I am just gonna call it quits, for the twins delivery was very very tough and I felt that I didn't go through all that trouble and misery to have someone else enjoying my children's childhood! But again, everyone's choice is difficult and I feel that in the end, each mother does the best for her kid, and be assured that what you are doing is the best for your kid. Take care and wish kuttan a very happy morning from me!